Saturday, February 29, 2020

Lord Of The Transcript

“Folks we’ve got this ring, a very great ring and some say it’s the One Ring, made by Elves, you’ve got elves and then High Elves, which is the best quality, elfwise, and they made this ring to bind them all, even in the darkness, it’s amazing, anyway I sold it to Isengard.”

“Saruman is great among the wise folks, and he’s been good, he’s said some very nice things about me, unlike low-power pathetic liar Mithrandir, a very sad person! Saruman the White!—which I like. The White. No other colors in there. The yellow eye it burns us, folks. It burns.”

“Baggins is a thief, believe me. A filthy thief. He asks me ‘what’s it got in its pockets.’ How would I know? I don’t know his pockets. I’ve never seen his pockets. A nasty hobbit, folks, and we hates him, don’t we? He stole the precious, but we’ll get it back. We’ll get it.”

“It’s very terrible what they did to Grima Wormtongue, perhaps the greatest most unfair witch hunt since the Numenorians smote Morgoth and threw him down from his fastness and the earth did tremble at his fall. The Numenorians come from over the sea, most people don’t know that.”

“We should be friends with Mordor. Mordor has very fine people, folks. Everyone’s always saying ‘oh Mordor Mordor’ —I don’t know Sauron. I’ve never met him. I’m not in thrall to his dread palintir. No thrall. No thrall. You’re the thrall. And then you have Wacky Tom Bombadil ... "

“I know ring lore like you wouldn’t believe, much that is hidden even from the wise, perhaps more even than Ilúvatar. I know that the ring is being found, perhaps as soon as next week, I have nine of the best people in the Shire, and they cannot believe what they're finding."

“We have Hobbits coming into the Riddermark, folks, and they’re awakening the tree-people, and they’re smoking the pipe-weed, and eating second breakfasts, third breakfasts, your breakfasts, your children’s breakfasts, they’re bad bad folks, and Schifty Strider, he loves ‘em.”

“We’re going to build a wall around Gondor, folks. A big white beautiful wall. And Rohan’s going to pay for it. Osgiliath didn’t have a wall—now look. Mordor has a wall. The Dark Lord has a beautiful wall."


"Mithrandir, a very low-power individual, who asks questions just to feel big. I don't know the answers, OK? The ring was a birthday present, It was a birthday present, believe me, and it's mine, and I've had far bigger birthday presents before. I don't know anyone named Deagol."

"Fëanor, son of Finwë, King of the Noldor, is an example of somebody who's done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more. We all appreciate his contributions, and we're looking into him, and we're looking very strongly. Nobody was talking about him before me."

"We've got great strong people at the border, and they're doing a very tremendous job. We've got trolls, Men of Harad, orcs riding wargs, and Mûmakil—oliphaunts! We love the oliphaunts, don't we. Huge. Very impressive. Let's hear it for the Easterlings of Rhun, folks."

"It's time to FINISH THE WALL! And we're going to have spiders in the wall, and they're gonna be older than the first stone of Barad-dûr; and they'll serve none but themselves, drinking the blood. Hobbits are coming over, folks, and they simply walk into Mordor. They simply walk."

"Galadriel, a really nasty individual. A very sick woman. They call her 'lady of the woods' but she's no lady, believe me. She's said some terrible things. She keeps Nenya the ring of power, but she won't say where. If it were me, they'd gather the 7 armies, but never mind."

“I can’t believe we occupied Moria and didn’t take the mithril. When we go back, we're gonna take the mithril. Believe me, we'll take it.”

“Last time I was here, this orc came up —a big guy, very tough, like out of central casting, handsome, could’ve been a fighting Uruk-hai—and he’s crying, weeping, he says ‘sir, thank you for the meat.’ Incredible. He hadn’t had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinking days.”

"Ents. I don't even know. Ents. Very dumb people. They're looking for Entwives. Where did they go? They don't know. What did they look like? They can't say. How long ago was it? Don't know. They lost the Entwives. Boo hoo hoo and hoom hoom hoom. "IT'S A TOTAL HOAX!"

"I'll get the ring, folks, don't worry. I'll do it. I am seeking, it, seeking it. All my thought are bent on it—and I have the very best thoughts, a very high IQ individual, perhaps the best ever in terms of thought. I need only it to COVER MIDDLE AMERICA IN A SECOND DARKNESS!"

Thursday, January 30, 2020


Your honor:

Your honor, listen:

He didn't do it.

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He didn't do it so much, that we shouldn't talk to anybody who was around him at the time

And also: so what if he did it?

He can do it if he wants to, he can do whatever he wants, if you keep talking about him we'll go after you for doing it, that thing you say he did, which he didn't, but which is perfectly OK for him to do.

It's so hateful to say he did the thing he didn't do AT ALL, that thing which sworn witnesses said he did do, that thing which anybody can see he did in that truncated transcript he released, that thing which we've seen him literally do on television several times, how dare you persecute him for that thing he didn't do that you've seen him do WHICH IS FINE FOR HIM TO DO.

It's so fine to do it, so perfectly justified, so absolutely OK, that we should absolutely not hear from anybody with firsthand accounts of him doing the perfectly OK thing WHICH HE DIDN'T DO but always remember that he CAN do it and it would be GREAT if he DID do but he DIDN'T and how dare you.

Oh sure. Maybe you think he did do it and has done it a lot and is still doing it and last month we all agreed it would be really very bad if he was doing it but that was before we found out that he did do it (which he DID NOT) and now we say it's fine that he did it (he DIDN'T) but the important thing is, did you know SOMEBODY ELSE DID SOMETHING ELSE so i think you see, your honor it really makes you think

He's really innocent because even if he did it (he DID NOT) he didn't know it was illegal (which it ISN'T) and we know he's innocent of the thing he absolutely can do and everybody knows it, that's why it's SO important that we don't ever look at any of the facts or testimony pointing to it, which nobody brought up in the House because he blocked it all, WHICH WAS HIS RIGHT TO DO.

In summary, he didn't do it, but he could have if he thought he should, and anything he thinks he should do he can do, and how dare you say he did it, he was only stopping somebody else from doing that something, which was a terrible thing for them to do and also it would be perfectly fine if he had done it, that terrible thing he was trying to prevent and which he DID do AND did NOT DO. NO FURTHER WITNESSES your honor also NO PREVIOUS WITNESSES your honor Also: if any of you bastards in the jury vote against my client he's going to cut your head off and put it on a stick. The defense rests.

Also, your honor. If I may:

My client did NOT just claim he’d cut off your head and put it on a stick how DARE you suggest it how DARE you. But listen: he will. He will. And it would be fine if he did. It's his right to do that if he thinks it's alright. But nobody said he would. But listen to me carefully: he WILL. Defense rests some more.

God bless America, or whatever.

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